News:
09/21/2007 11:51:09 AM: Why men are not allowed to write advice columns
Dear Bob:
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heel shoes, and he was wearing my make up.
I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear. But when I asked him about the make up, he broke down and admitted that he'd been wearing my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.
He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?
Sincerely, Mrs. Sheila Usk
Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber. I hope this helps.
BOB
09/21/2007 11:01:49 AM: 
09/21/2007 10:59:24 AM: 
09/21/2007 10:57:35 AM: 
09/21/2007 10:50:41 AM: 
09/21/2007 10:48:39 AM: 
09/21/2007 10:45:45 AM: 
09/21/2007 10:41:35 AM: 
09/21/2007 10:38:07 AM: 
09/21/2007 10:36:35 AM: 
09/21/2007 10:26:01 AM: 
09/21/2007 08:38:27 AM: 
05/24/2007 03:49:20 PM: For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She w as then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the
Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
NOW when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt 03/06/2007 02:08:33 PM: I think you're the father of one of my kids...
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello. He's rather taken a back because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the
stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your
partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher." 03/06/2007 02:06:46 PM: A reason to speed...Too Funny!
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette
convertible out of the
dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to
80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little
hair he had left.
"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing
the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway
patrol behind him, blue
lights flashing and siren blaring.
He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly
he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this,"
and pulled over to await the Trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the
Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift
ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give
me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before,
I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my
wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought
you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir," replied the Trooper 03/06/2007 01:04:59 PM: A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Dad." With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands
and read the letter......
Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I
knew
you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos,
tight
motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But
it's
not only the passion..Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be
very
happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for
the
whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has
opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll
be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that
live
nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime, we will pray that
science
will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.
Don't
worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm
sure
that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your
grandchildren.
Love Your Son,
PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the
report
card that's in my center desk drawer.
I love you.
Call me when it's safe to come home.
11/02/2006 04:48:57 PM: 
09/20/2006 08:11:35 PM: Got my camera in, pics to come :) 08/09/2006 04:26:25 PM: A TRUE PLAYA
One evening, Mike went over to his friend, Terry`s, house to play
cards with some friends. Mike sat directly across from Terry`s wife.
Mike dropped a card on the floor and bent down to pick it up. When he
looked across the table he saw that Terry`s wife had her legs wide
open and no panties on. He sat up and was flushed. He went into the
kitchen to get a drink of water. To his surprise, Terry`s wife had
followed him into the kitchen
and said "Did you like what you saw?" Mike said "Yes, I did!"
Terry`s wife said "Well, you can get more than that but it will cost
you $500." So Mike thought about his financial situation and said okay.
She said "Come here tomorrow at 2:30 because Terry will be at
work." Mike said "I`ll see you then." The next day Mike went over, they
had sex, he paid her, then he left. Later Terry came home and asked
"Has Mike been over here today?" Thinking she had been caught, she said
"As a matter of
fact, he did."
Terry said "Good, because that fool came by my job this morning and
asked to borrow $500 until this evening, and he said he would leave it
with you." 08/08/2006 07:35:14 AM: An engineer was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out to him
and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He
bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke
up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful
princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the
frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want" Again the
engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his
pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you
I'm a beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for a week and
do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said,
"Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a
talking frog, now that's cool." 08/04/2006 10:07:29 AM: A guy boards a train bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He immediately notices that the guy next to him has a deeply bruised, black eye. "Heck, what a coincidence! We both have black eyes! Mind if I ask how you got yours?"
"Well," explains the man, "I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with beautiful breasts was behind the counter. When I asked to purchase a ticket to Pittsburgh, I accidentally blurted out 'I'd like a picket to Tittsburgh' and so she sucker-punched me!" The man continues, "What's your story?"
The other guy explains, "I was at the breakfast table and I meant to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Wheaties,' but I accidentally said, 'You ruined my life you stupid bitch.' "
07/15/2006 03:32:51 AM: 
new pics of fireworks
06/19/2006 06:28:26 AM: X-Rays are up.
 06/15/2006 10:54:24 AM: These are true quotes from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts', and are things people actually have said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. It's worth reading to the very end!
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what! were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
____________________________________________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
05/18/2006 01:23:54 PM: I am a sucker for dance movies and I have to admit this guy is pretty good. I would have liked to see a little c-walking but he did a pretty good job of covering almost everything. I like how he threw in the sprinkler and shopping cart mid way into it.
Evolution of Dance 05/04/2006 03:00:02 PM: Well as many of you know I broke my leg. And many people have been asking to see pics so here they are. If you don't like gross stuff you probably shouldn't look at it.
Pics of femar 04/19/2006 08:18:31 PM: I put more night photos up in the photography section. 04/11/2006 10:45:53 AM: new pics up
 04/05/2006 02:54:47 PM: The Why's Of Men...!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Just one for the girls..............
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)
(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
03/22/2006 10:51:07 AM: A man and woman, who have never met before, but are
both married to other people, found themselves
assigned to the same sleeping room on a
transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed
and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very
tired and fell asleep quickly... he in the upper bunk
and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the
woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but
would you be willing to reach into the closet to get
me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for
tonight, let's pretend that we're mar ried."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he farted.
03/14/2006 04:34:07 PM: 03/06/2006 05:33:38 PM: Finally got a chance to upload some more of my night photo's. Let me know what you think.
 02/22/2006 01:07:38 PM: Most of America's populace think it is improper to spank
children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids
when they have one of "those moments".
One that I found effective is for me to just take the child
for a car ride and talk. They usually calm down and stop
misbehaving after our car ride together.
I've included a photo of one of my sessions with my son, in
case you would like to use the technique.
THIS APPEARS TO BE A VERY EFFECTIVE METHOD.
02/02/2006 10:23:24 AM: An old cowboy sat down at the Star bucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves,bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."
02/01/2006 04:46:15 PM: what she says,,,,what you get
40-ish........................49
adventurous................slept with everyone
athletic.......................no tits
average looking............200 lb club
beautiful......................pathological liar
emotionally secure........on prozak
feminist.......................morbidly obese
friendship first..............former slut
new age.....................puts out on first date
old fashioned...............no blow jobs
open minded...............desperate
outgoing.....................loud and embarrasing
professional.................bitch
voluptous....................300 lb club
family orientated...........has 3 kids under 10 yrs of age
financially secure...........3 kids,the house amd spousal and child support for the next 10 yrs
looking for my soulmate........kids just turned 18 and i need a new cash cow
01/20/2006 02:39:06 PM: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really
know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the
definition for each is listed below ....
GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you
still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slap! ing your wife on the ass
and having the balls to say: "You're next."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject. 01/20/2006 02:31:35 PM: An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids.
The shopkeeper asks "Are they twins? "
The woman says "No, he's 9 and she's 7.
Why?
Do you think they look alike?"
"No", he replies,
"I just can't believe you got laid twice!"
01/07/2006 11:19:50 PM: I put up a new photo page.
 01/05/2006 02:21:33 PM: bowling pics
 01/05/2006 02:21:33 PM: put up a new photo page
 12/21/2005 10:03:35 PM: I put up the photography page.
 12/21/2005 05:12:59 PM: also updated bikes page.
 12/21/2005 05:11:06 PM: New moto page is up.
 11/10/2005 05:57:59 PM: 
10/13/2005 09:05:53 PM: 
10/06/2005 12:34:50 AM: New hobbies pages are up check them out. Also put up pictures from my last bowling session 9-30-05.
09/30/2005 02:50:39 PM: New page put up. Pictures from golfing on wedensday.
09/17/2005 07:55:46 PM: Friendship among women: A woman doesn't come home at night. The next
day she tells her husband she slept over at a friend's house. The man
calls his wife's ten best friends. None of them know about it.
Friendship among men: A man doesn't come home at night. The next day
he tells his wife he slept over at a friend's house. The woman calls
her husband's ten best friends. Eight of them say he slept over. Two
claim he's still there.
09/17/2005 07:51:26 PM: A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a nearby table all alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that, if she accepts it, she is his.
The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the woman, saying this is from the gentleman over there. She looks at the wine and sends a note over to the man.
The note reads: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and seven inches in your pants."
The man, after reading her note, chuckles, and sends a note of his own back to her, and it read: "Just so you know, I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850 and a Mercedes 600 SL, in my garage, and I have over twenty-five million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. JUST SEND THE BOTTLE BACK."
09/17/2005 02:58:46 PM: Poker Table is finished. Going to make a page about it soon.
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